Sexual Identity

Sexual identity is at the core of your sexuality. Just as with other aspects of your identity (male or female, young or old, and so on) your sexual identity is how you see your sexual self and how you express that part of yourself to others.

But it is just part of yourself - there is more to you as a person than your sexual identity. Most people have many relationships, such as with friends and family, that have nothing to do with their sexual identity.

Sexual identity is one of the three aspects of your sexuality, along with sexual orientation and sexual practices. Sexual orientation describes your underlying sexual preferences, based on a consistent pattern of sexual arousal. Your sexual orientation may be marked by sexual attraction towards people of the opposite sex or towards people of the same sex. For some people, sexual orientation may be towards people of both sexes. Sexual practices are what you do when you have sex, as in the sexual activity itself. All these aspects of sexuality are fluid and may change over time.

We tend to categorise people according to the sexual identity they adopt: heterosexual, gay, lesbian or bisexual. But these categories can be too limiting because they don't reflect how some people see themselves. People may adopt variations on these identities, depending on how they feel and who they are with. Their sexual identities may also evolve throughout their lives.

The Boyfriend Sex Test

Should you really be sleeping with this man?

If you answer is Yes to any one of these questions regarding your boyfriend's sexual etiquette, it is time to step back and have some deep conversations about your relationship.

1. Did the pace of your early sexual relationship suit his schedule and not yours?

YES - First of all, don’t beat yourself up if you moved faster than you consciously desired to do. Women want to please. Women want to cooperate. Women like to be liked. And yes, women get horny too. What I mean by that last statement is that sometimes our body responds to sexual cues when our mind isn’t really convinced that it’s time to give up the booty. So, you’re not a bad girl if you moved faster than you intended, but if you’re still feeling a little uncomfortable that your sexual relationship is more intimate than your emotional relationship, pay attention to those feelings! It’s perfectly okay to step back --- at any stage of a relationship -- and adjust the sexual script to suit your comfort level. After all, if he’s a long-term mate, you’ve got years of ahead to move toward down-and-dirty, swinging-from-the-chandeliers kind of sex. (If that’s what YOU’RE okay with.)

NO - It’s a miracle! You two are in sync. You were both ready to knock boots on the same date. But were you really ready? Take the Girlfriend Sex Test at thegirlfriendtest.com before you pat your liberated, I-own-my-own-orgasm self on the back.

2. Is he uncomfortable talking about sexually transmitted diseases?

YES Well who isn’t uncomfortable talking about STD’s. The real question is, discomfort or not, can he talk the talk? Do you know if he has ever had herpes, chlamydia, genital warts, pubic lice (crabs), gonorrhea (the clap), nongonococcal urethritis, chancroid, viral hepatitus, bacterial vaginosis, candidiasis, or scabies? Because if it’s gone untreated you could be playing Russian roulette with you baby makin’ machine, or your life! And, regarding HIV: Get tested together.

NO - Good first step. He’s able to talk about an uncomfortable subject. It says something about his emotional maturity. Now, I hate to be a stickler here, but what does he say about STD’s? Has he had any? (If he says no, studies show that he’s probably lying) How were they treated? Probe him about this stuff in a loving, respectful way. If you're not close enough to talk about these subjects than you're not close enough to be having sex.

3. Did he forget to bring a condom the first time you had sex?

YES - Okay girls. I’ve heard all the excuses. Say this sentence with a pleading whine “But we didn’t p-l-a-a-a-n on having sex that night.” Bullshit. From the moment that man set eyes on you he p-l-a-a-a-n-ed on having sex with you. And he should be prepared.

NO - Good boy. Was it latex? Did he use it too?

4. Does he pressure you to go condomless despite the fact that both of you are single and have not given each other written proof of recent HIV negative status?

YES - Fire this low-performance boyfriend. He obviously has poor impulse control, has a deep self-loathing urge to kill himself, and may be homicidal. Just kidding (kinda). Have I said enough? And if you believe that there are times when it was impossible to procure a condom, here’s a story: I once sent a man with an erection out of my hotel room onto the streets of Washington D.C. --- at 3:00 a.m. with every store in the area closed. It took him five minutes to find one. The doorman at the hotel radioed this emergency to security, who immediately sent an armed guard to unlock the hotel gift shop. It’s a boys club. They all feel the pain of a hard-on

NO - Good boy. We like this kind of control. Make sure you give him lots of well-lubricated handjobs without the raincoat. He’ll appreciate that.

5. Is his orgasm always his goal?

YES - Can you say macho, misogynistic, and self-serving? Nah, don’t bother. Those words are too strong to describe an innocent man whose been taught by our culture that “coming” is everything. The truth is, everything else is everything. An orgasm is just desert. Who wants a meal that’s only about desert? This man may need some gentle teaching when it comes to learning about sensuality. Are you up for the job?

NO - Great. Maybe this man has a plethora of sexual scripts that involve all levels of sensuality.

6. Does your orgasm seem like his manly triumph?

YES - What?!!! Does he like himself better if he “performs” for you? Is he a chest-pounding victor after you come? Does he make you feel like you have a problem if you decline desert (orgasm) after an extravagant sexual meal? Does he get some kind of identity from your experience, working your soft tissue into a frenzy long after you're ready to quit? Not cool. This guy needs to learn that your orgasm is YOUR orgasm and you’ll help him help you when you’re ready. Please see The Girlfriend Sex Test to remind yourself to pay attention to your own needs.

NO - Sounds like a nice guy. No pressure to “come” for him. After all, your orgasm is your business. But please take the Girlfriend Sex Test at thegirlfriendtest.com to remind yourself to pay attention to your own needs. On the other hand, does he care at all if you come? If he’s not at least inquiring about your sexual desires, then maybe he is, well, selfish.

7. Do you feel pressured to participate in sexual activities that are not to your liking?

YES - C-mon , we’re not all into German Shepherds! And, there are certain positions that might make a girl feel queasy, crampy, or fat. So what’s the answer? Can we just say, “NO!”???? Well, you can and you can sometimes lose a man this way. So how about a compromise, perhaps something like “I’ll let you in the back door once in a while if you wear your cowboy boots and spurs to bed.” Whatever. Having a rich sex life involves gentle risk-taking and polite requests. But it should never include pressure!

NO - Good. I like this man. Or, maybe I like your style. Perhaps you’re just a liberated ball of sexual fun in bed and all his desires have been initiated by you. You go girl. But also consider this: If he hasn’t pressured you for anything that your deem kinky, are you sure you’re giving him a safe environment to express his desires? Or, are you even aware of any sexual dislikes or discomforts that you may have? Gosh, I hope you not people-pleasing this man at the risk of your own bladder infections! Think about it.

8. Does he have a whore/madonna complex and seems to prefer you behave as one or the other?

YES - He’s also probably Catholic (kidding). As for you, your in a damned if you do, damned if you don’t position. Give him the name of a good therapist.

NO - A modern, liberated, progressive man. He’s probably Jewish too (kidding).

9. Do you both play out sexual fantasies that satisfy his desires only?

YES - Your sexlife is a one-sided story that needs another voice. Have you told him your fantasies? Is he ignoring the fact that there are two people in this play? Better make him wise soon.

NO - Great. I like to see balance in a sex life. He’s got you in that French Maid’s outfit and you’ve got him dressed as the Kratt Brothers (Insiders joke to mothers. If you’re not a mother check out Zaboomafoo on PBS-Kids to see some fantasy hunks in safari shorts.)

10. Does he pass a double-standard judgment if you express a desire for a particular sexual act that might be new to him?

YES Fire this man. You graduated from that double-standard trap when you graduated from high school. If you’re over eighteen, you’re much too old to have a bad reputation. If he’s stuck in the dark ages, send him to his cave

NO I’m lovin this guy. Open to new things. Go for it girl -- Ask for your wildest wet dreams. He just might make them come true.

Dream Sex

The meaning of dreams about sex - Ok, so you have had a Sex Dream ... What is the meaning of dreams about sex ? What could it be a symbol of or is it as obvious as it seems? I mean, sex is sex, forget the rest, the only one that's free. The only great adventure left for human kind (that's you and me).

Well, on one hand that is true. However, dreams should always be viewed in two ways - literally and symbolically. So, if we look at your sex dream literally it could mean that you wish you were making love in real life, or that the person with whom you are making love to is someone you desire to "Bonk" in real life, and so on.

However, dreaming of sex also tells us about our relationship with the part of ourselves that is the opposite sex. If you have read or heard anything about Carl Gustav Jung, you will know that he often referred to the anima and the animus. The former refers to the feminine side of men, and the latter the masculine side of women.

How often do we dream of sex ?

Studies reveal significant differences in how men and women dream about sex . However, when all is said and done, almost everyone at some stage in there life has one. Sex during dreaming is reported as a topic of at least 12% of male dreams and 4% of female dreams. This discrepancy is generally consistent with our waking sex drives, with men doing much more thinking about the topic than women. (It is said that men think about sex far more than 12% of their waking lives, though.) In his book Finding the Meaning in Dreams, G. William Dumhoff reveals some interesting data -

Gender	Men	Women
Participating	93%	68%
Watching	7%	32%

This table indicates that women often separate themselves from what is going on in the dream sexually, whereas men see themselves as participants. This can be significant to understanding why it is more common for men-particularly boys-to have orgasms in the dream state than it is for women. It also reveals the conflict that many women feel about the good-girl/bad-girl taboo.

Dream images that relate to sex

The question of images and symbols relating to sex in a dream is important. Sexuality is often cloaked in a heavy shroud of secrecy, either through childhood or throughout life. Freud did for sexual content in dreams what Henry Ford did for internal combustion. Suddenly everyone, everywhere had dreams of sex. The following is a partial list of the phallic symbols you may find indexed in a Freudian dream interpretation book:

Aerosol	Antenna	Balloons	Bats
Birds	Boilers	Bottles	Can Openers
Cannons	Cigars	Cars	Chalk
Cucumbers	Drills	French Bread	Golf Clubs
Guns	Hammers	Knives	Neckties
Pencils	Rockets	Screwdrivers	Snakes
Telescopes	Umbrellas	Wrenches	Zippers

Not to be left out, women's sexuality was likewise a source of attention and interest for Freud. The following list is far less extensive than the list for male phallic symbols, but almost as diverse:

Bowls	Children	Churches	Earth
Fruit	Flowers	Gardens	Houses
Moon	Oceans	Ponds	Suitcases
Tunnels	Urns	Vases	Water

Certain sex dreams are simply romantic. Boy and girl meet in the dream and find themselves enjoying one another. This scenario commonly involves an attractive dream partner and a generally pleasing environment.

There is no violation of taboo, except for a sense that perhaps things are moving a little fast in the nocturnal relationship. Often, the dreamer has simply acted upon a desire for a relationship with a particular person. Freud's theory of wish-fulfillment is a sufficient explanation. Dreams are a rich source of fantasy and can be a way to deal with unfulfilled desires from waking life. Also as dreams are messages from the unconscious mind they can reveal our deep feelings and our true motivations. In particular they can bring to light many repressed sexual desires, our guilty feelings or our unexpressed fears about sex.

If a person has a high degree of repression, the person's fears and anxieties may be expressed through their dreams. Similarly the person's desire for greater fulfillment may be expressed in erotic dreams. If the sexual repression is severe, the dreams may be filled with sexual situations that the person would find shocking, embarrassing, or confusing. In such cases, there is often a big difference between the person's waking sexuality and the sexuality displayed in dreams. The person's day-to-day life may be emotionally sterile and sensually barren, but the dream life is full of eroticism and steamy sexual encounters. By paying attention to your dreams you can learn about your needs and desires and perhaps discover ways to make your life more sensual if necessary.

The Meaning of Sex Dreams

The Meaning of Sex Dreams

The sex dream and looking for the meaning of sex in a dream is something of a pastime for dream interpreters. Sexual content, feelings of love, flirtation, and nocturnal rendezvous are often very explicit in dreams.

So, in your sex dream, if you are a man and having sex with a very sexually attractive woman who is obviously wanting you, but you are having trouble "performing", then it might be interpreted as the feminine part of you wanting to become a greater part of your outer life and identity.

You are struggling in the dream to function sexually because you are not comfortable with that side of you and so you do not letting it show up in public.

This would be the symbolism of the sexual difficulty he is experiencing in the dream, and is not foreshadowing that he will soon be impotent!

Unless...he has actually been having some problems in this sector... then the dream could be a night-time re-hashing of the real-life event that is most certainly causing some stress.

Or imagine an elderly woman dreaming that she is making love to a young beautiful man. This sex dream may embarrass and worry her thinking that she secretly desires someone half her age or even more.

The meaning of her sexual dream could simply be that she has only just started (a young man, rather than a middle-aged or even older man in the dream) begun to have a relationship with her masculine self, her animus.

How would she see a manifestation of that in real life? She might have been recently widowed and now, for the first time, she is taking care of bills, making financial and other business decisions, and in some way being more pro-active, in the way we think of men as being pro-active, independent, and entrepreneurial, than she has ever been in the past.

Or perhaps a woman who has become bitter in life due to failed relationships, and who has been in therapy, working on those matters, has now had a dream where she is making love to a faceless stranger, but the sensation she has is one of deep and tender feelings during the dream.

The symbolic meaning might be that she has finally opened up her inner self to a new relationship in real life, and also has opened her inner self to make possible the merging (sex) of her feminine and masculine self.

Likewise a man who dreams of having sex with a witch, or a woman who in some way is trying to undermine him or hurt him, or who frightens him in the dream, might, in waking life, ask himself what it is he is afraid of regarding the expression of his feminine self in real life.

The fact that he battles with the witch, or is frightened by the woman in bed with him in the dream, may symbolize that he rejects and fears his feminine side in real life, or that he feels if he expresses this nascent side of his personality he will be swallowed by it, suffocated, or in some other way lose himself .

If, after some time, he begins to dream of having good or loving sex with a beautiful woman, rather than with a witch-like creature, it would possibly be symbolizing that he has begun the process of accepting his feminine side and is now more at peace with the expression of that in his real life.