The Boyfriend Sex Test

Should you really be sleeping with this man?

If you answer is Yes to any one of these questions regarding your boyfriend's sexual etiquette, it is time to step back and have some deep conversations about your relationship.

1. Did the pace of your early sexual relationship suit his schedule and not yours?

YES - First of all, don’t beat yourself up if you moved faster than you consciously desired to do. Women want to please. Women want to cooperate. Women like to be liked. And yes, women get horny too. What I mean by that last statement is that sometimes our body responds to sexual cues when our mind isn’t really convinced that it’s time to give up the booty. So, you’re not a bad girl if you moved faster than you intended, but if you’re still feeling a little uncomfortable that your sexual relationship is more intimate than your emotional relationship, pay attention to those feelings! It’s perfectly okay to step back --- at any stage of a relationship -- and adjust the sexual script to suit your comfort level. After all, if he’s a long-term mate, you’ve got years of ahead to move toward down-and-dirty, swinging-from-the-chandeliers kind of sex. (If that’s what YOU’RE okay with.)

NO - It’s a miracle! You two are in sync. You were both ready to knock boots on the same date. But were you really ready? Take the Girlfriend Sex Test at thegirlfriendtest.com before you pat your liberated, I-own-my-own-orgasm self on the back.

2. Is he uncomfortable talking about sexually transmitted diseases?

YES Well who isn’t uncomfortable talking about STD’s. The real question is, discomfort or not, can he talk the talk? Do you know if he has ever had herpes, chlamydia, genital warts, pubic lice (crabs), gonorrhea (the clap), nongonococcal urethritis, chancroid, viral hepatitus, bacterial vaginosis, candidiasis, or scabies? Because if it’s gone untreated you could be playing Russian roulette with you baby makin’ machine, or your life! And, regarding HIV: Get tested together.

NO - Good first step. He’s able to talk about an uncomfortable subject. It says something about his emotional maturity. Now, I hate to be a stickler here, but what does he say about STD’s? Has he had any? (If he says no, studies show that he’s probably lying) How were they treated? Probe him about this stuff in a loving, respectful way. If you're not close enough to talk about these subjects than you're not close enough to be having sex.

3. Did he forget to bring a condom the first time you had sex?

YES - Okay girls. I’ve heard all the excuses. Say this sentence with a pleading whine “But we didn’t p-l-a-a-a-n on having sex that night.” Bullshit. From the moment that man set eyes on you he p-l-a-a-a-n-ed on having sex with you. And he should be prepared.

NO - Good boy. Was it latex? Did he use it too?

4. Does he pressure you to go condomless despite the fact that both of you are single and have not given each other written proof of recent HIV negative status?

YES - Fire this low-performance boyfriend. He obviously has poor impulse control, has a deep self-loathing urge to kill himself, and may be homicidal. Just kidding (kinda). Have I said enough? And if you believe that there are times when it was impossible to procure a condom, here’s a story: I once sent a man with an erection out of my hotel room onto the streets of Washington D.C. --- at 3:00 a.m. with every store in the area closed. It took him five minutes to find one. The doorman at the hotel radioed this emergency to security, who immediately sent an armed guard to unlock the hotel gift shop. It’s a boys club. They all feel the pain of a hard-on

NO - Good boy. We like this kind of control. Make sure you give him lots of well-lubricated handjobs without the raincoat. He’ll appreciate that.

5. Is his orgasm always his goal?

YES - Can you say macho, misogynistic, and self-serving? Nah, don’t bother. Those words are too strong to describe an innocent man whose been taught by our culture that “coming” is everything. The truth is, everything else is everything. An orgasm is just desert. Who wants a meal that’s only about desert? This man may need some gentle teaching when it comes to learning about sensuality. Are you up for the job?

NO - Great. Maybe this man has a plethora of sexual scripts that involve all levels of sensuality.

6. Does your orgasm seem like his manly triumph?

YES - What?!!! Does he like himself better if he “performs” for you? Is he a chest-pounding victor after you come? Does he make you feel like you have a problem if you decline desert (orgasm) after an extravagant sexual meal? Does he get some kind of identity from your experience, working your soft tissue into a frenzy long after you're ready to quit? Not cool. This guy needs to learn that your orgasm is YOUR orgasm and you’ll help him help you when you’re ready. Please see The Girlfriend Sex Test to remind yourself to pay attention to your own needs.

NO - Sounds like a nice guy. No pressure to “come” for him. After all, your orgasm is your business. But please take the Girlfriend Sex Test at thegirlfriendtest.com to remind yourself to pay attention to your own needs. On the other hand, does he care at all if you come? If he’s not at least inquiring about your sexual desires, then maybe he is, well, selfish.

7. Do you feel pressured to participate in sexual activities that are not to your liking?

YES - C-mon , we’re not all into German Shepherds! And, there are certain positions that might make a girl feel queasy, crampy, or fat. So what’s the answer? Can we just say, “NO!”???? Well, you can and you can sometimes lose a man this way. So how about a compromise, perhaps something like “I’ll let you in the back door once in a while if you wear your cowboy boots and spurs to bed.” Whatever. Having a rich sex life involves gentle risk-taking and polite requests. But it should never include pressure!

NO - Good. I like this man. Or, maybe I like your style. Perhaps you’re just a liberated ball of sexual fun in bed and all his desires have been initiated by you. You go girl. But also consider this: If he hasn’t pressured you for anything that your deem kinky, are you sure you’re giving him a safe environment to express his desires? Or, are you even aware of any sexual dislikes or discomforts that you may have? Gosh, I hope you not people-pleasing this man at the risk of your own bladder infections! Think about it.

8. Does he have a whore/madonna complex and seems to prefer you behave as one or the other?

YES - He’s also probably Catholic (kidding). As for you, your in a damned if you do, damned if you don’t position. Give him the name of a good therapist.

NO - A modern, liberated, progressive man. He’s probably Jewish too (kidding).

9. Do you both play out sexual fantasies that satisfy his desires only?

YES - Your sexlife is a one-sided story that needs another voice. Have you told him your fantasies? Is he ignoring the fact that there are two people in this play? Better make him wise soon.

NO - Great. I like to see balance in a sex life. He’s got you in that French Maid’s outfit and you’ve got him dressed as the Kratt Brothers (Insiders joke to mothers. If you’re not a mother check out Zaboomafoo on PBS-Kids to see some fantasy hunks in safari shorts.)

10. Does he pass a double-standard judgment if you express a desire for a particular sexual act that might be new to him?

YES Fire this man. You graduated from that double-standard trap when you graduated from high school. If you’re over eighteen, you’re much too old to have a bad reputation. If he’s stuck in the dark ages, send him to his cave

NO I’m lovin this guy. Open to new things. Go for it girl -- Ask for your wildest wet dreams. He just might make them come true.